This week marks 3 months of being home and so many times I have wanted to sit down and blog, its therapeutic to me and helps me arrange my thoughts. I have even opened my computer twice to start typing but never logged in because in all honesty what I had to say was not worth reading or worth me writing. To be perfectly honest I've been angry. I have grumbled, complained and been negative, exasperated and crabby. I am still not at a place of being back to myself completely but I am a lot closer than I was several weeks ago. The lack of sleep played a big role and the constant sickness. I do not do well with little sleep, I need it, I have always been that way. Too little sleep and I make mountains out of molehills, I cry easily, I snap quicker and I usually end up sick. I have been all of that and more the last 3 months but 3 weeks ago we turned a corner. We are all sleeping through the night and he is napping everyday(que the Hallelujah Chorus). The scary mommy is a lot less frightening with 7 hours of sleep but I can't blame my poor attitude all on sleep deprivation. I think if I am honest with myself I have been angry at God.
Charlie is a little tornado, he whirls in and creates messes and whirls out to go cause more trouble but he is darling. I have worked with many children in in my life and I can truly say he is the loudest toddler I have ever met. He is mischievous beyond words and he has the best giggle around but having him in our lives is not at all what I expected and I can guarantee he didn't see us coming either and that is where the anger comes in. I am angry at the timing, I am angry but almost more sad at the age difference between our boys. I hurt for what Charlie has gone through and I am angry he had to go through it. I think deep down that while I knew all along the trials of adopting a toddler and had taken classes and read books about it that I thought for us it could possibly be different. Ron and I talked about that a while ago that we both had unrealistic expectations of how it would go, after all the two times we met him it went so well(right like you judge anything based on two hours). I think we had wanted this for SO long and dreamed about it for years that our mindset had been clouded. I want to point out my feelings have nothing to do with Charlie, while he can be challenging he is a very typical busy 19 month. My feeling had to do with God and His plan, one I still don't understand.
I have played the if only game so many times since we brought him home.
-if only the process had stayed true to the original time frame
-if only he had been under one
- if only he and Greyson were closer in age
- if only we had not been out of the baby stage for so long
- if only things had gone my way...
But they didn't, none of it went the way we would have chosen and all along I had unshakable faith, He told us to adopt and that he had a child for us so I believed him, plain and simple. He said He would do it and I believe He will do what He says He will so I trusted(for almost 4 years) and then we got him home and BAM it all went away. My faith and trust, my peace vanished. I questioned Him, His timing, His ability, His reasons. No wonder I have been angry. I sat angry for a few weeks and then slowly when I actually found time to pray or read my devotions I would see the error of my thoughts, I could hear His gentle prodding, I read about the Isrealites and what became of a whole people group who decided to let anger and grumbling rule their lives. They didn't get to enter into the promised land. David speaks of his soul crying out in anger to God and then a Selah or pause and when he writes again it typically is about repentance. My hardness started to crack a little and throughout the last 5-6 weeks I have prayed and been reminded of ALL the good and in a few times truly miraculous things He accomplished to get Charlie home. I started to really enjoy Charlie and I am getting the hang of life with two kids. Just last night I was thinking about blogging because I am not so angry anymore, although I would be lying if I said all my negative thoughts had vanished and my attitude was chipper all the time but I'm getting there. I feel like this adoption journey is in some ways synonymous with my journey with Jesus. Just as Charlie had no idea what was coming his way, we too cannot predict the future. We can't see the big picture and we can't control our situations in life but we can trust in Him and His plan for us. We can trust it is good based on his character that we get to know through a relationship with Him. Trust cannot be formed without getting to know someone enough to begin to trust them. I can trust Jesus because I know Him although I don't always understand His ways. I can't see the big picture of my life just like Charlie can't see his and all he knows is that life is very different but everyday we earn his trust a little more by building a relationship with him. It takes a lot of work but it is happening. I have periods of my life where I take two steps back rather than moving forward in my walk with the Lord. These past few months are a perfect example of that and Charlie has a few good days and then a not so good day but when He does trust us and lets go it's awesome. When I trust my heavenly father and let go the results in my personal relationship with Him are awesome as well!
I could learn a thing or two from Charlie, although he has his anger and his fits he is a fighter in every sense of the word. He doesn't give up, which will suit him well in life, we just pray his tenacity gets put towards positive things but everyday since the day we have gotten him he has laughed, smiled and dared to trust us a little, thats more than I can say for myself. He has been through the ringer and yet when he wakes up in the morning he is ready to face the day and move forward with his little life. He is letting us into his world and showing us who he is, he has accepted that he is now stuck with us. He is brave. This little 19 month old, who is very smart, has been completely erected from life as he knew it, thrown into a world he doesn't know, could not understand the language that was being spoken to him, was very sick, has been to the doctor 18 times, had surgery, had 7 vials of blood taken and just last week received 5 shots but he continues to learn and trust a little more that he did the week before. BRAVE!
I got choked up last night as I rocked him before bed, he was groggy with sleepiness and I studied his darling little face with his almond eyes, pouty lips and wild hair. I didn't feel any anger then, I felt thankful. I'm so thankful he is home, I am thankful that Jesus picked us to be his forever family. I am thankful we are sleeping! I am thankful that God is big enough to handle my anger but gentle enough to bring me out of it. I was hesitant to share all of this because I never want to deter people from adopting. There are SO many kids who need a home and love but last week at church our pastor said something and it resonated with me. He said "Some people believe that being honest about your struggles will make other people untrusting of God, but it is just the opposite" I think thats so true. Going through the last few years and now living out the beginning stages of having Charlie home have been anything but easy but I can attest to God's goodness in my life and I still wholly trust Him.
I thought I would include a video of that giggle and some pictures of life with Charlie as a little tornado, if he isn't supposed to do it, he does, if its dangerous he jumps head first into it, he loves to conquer and hates to be told no but boy do I love him!